madsadmadmadmad

I'm sitting inside this same familiar shop, ladies chirping about nothing more than bird shit and coffee aromas steadily making their way into my nose. Will my whole life be a constant struggle with my pen and a blank piece of paper waiting to be filled in to look something like a map to somewhere more exciting than here? My mouth hasn't been able to utter the words I need to spew out the most, I'm only living comfortably but I want to give it all up and I can't do that unless I tell you so.

There is this nagging, heart stinging awareness inside of me that has just budded and can hardly be ignored. I'm afraid, though, if I forget about it for a day the sun wont reach it and the leaves of truth inside myself will slowly start to wilt. The world is a new place for me, I'm disgustingly privileged to be able to sit here and reflect on it. My soul is poor and lost but your bellies are empty and crying out for the love and fullness offered from this intangible source. Maybe we're in a similar boat, it's shitty for me to think that way. I can't live like this anymore, I can't live a life that fulfills all of my physical needs and than leaves my soul twisted and empty. The only solution I see is to give up all of my comfortability and start nourishing my fucked up insides and live with the least, what does multiple coats and multiple dollars and eight pieces of bread do if theyre tucked away in dark cubbards and closed accounts. Nothing, absolutely nothing if everyone can't have a piece of it. I need to get rid of it all.

hellll yeah

A bobbin for your thoughts

I started off my morning two days ago with whiskey and coffee sitting around with a few of my favorite people before I went into work, if only I had dollars right now to have a little whiskey in my cawf on hand every morning.  These days this week make sense, my brain threads arent tangled up in anxiety or fear or boys and are focusing on Jay Reatard and Owen and travels and nice fabric and books/words that send my threads up and outward. 

^^^^^

(on a side note)

These are beautiful and I love them so much.

I did this!

                                                                                  

<-- -Tough 80's leather jacket amongst a slew of pretty, pretty vintage dresses is quite a nice contrast.  This jacket just came in to Etoile a few days ago...i absolutely love it.

<---Scrap fabric and a shoddy looking headband            :)

 
vvvvv I am eternally grateful to Katie for teaching me how to thread a sewing machine, I see no reason to ever buy anything more than fabric and thread for the rest of my days.  This is the very, very first piece of clothing I've made using a piece of scraggly fabric.  I feel inspired to thread that sewing machine silly and keep on pumping out pieces.  If anyone needs there clothes altered get at me, I'd love the practice!  

 

.

I have trouble often times expressing what my true desires are in life. The people pleasing aspect of my personality is usually in the drivers seat and I'm left buckled in tight in the back seat of my wants and needs. This is a mere attempt at taking some charge in my life and sorting through my heart and head and sharing this with whomever feels like reading some sap and crap. This is what I want now out of the life im creating, maybe not always and maybe not before and maybe all of these things aren't totally feasible but I can at least give it a shot School is starting for me next semester and I have a very equal sense of excited and nervous anticipation; will I get overwhelmed/bored and withdrawal(again), will I embrace this education I have offered to me and forget I ever had any anxieties or will I lose myself in papers and deadlines and forget myself? All these feelings make me want to not even risk any possible negative outcome and just do what I've wanted to do all year long: rent out my room, stick out my thumb and hitch around the country WOOFing and volunteering for different organizations until I make my way to Central and South America with only one real destination, Nicaragua. I have a little half sister, who is now more like a cousin to me, that was born and partially raised in extreme poverty. She no longer lives in Nicaragua but her siblings and mother still do, I'm not sure what would come of me visiting/getting to know them but I'd very much like to. I'd like to remain in these regions helping and offering my hands in whatever way and particularly working with impoverished children. I'm not sure if it's the right time in my life to pick up and go, maybe I need to finish school so I have better tools to help out in the ways I want to, maybe I should commit to something large(like school) and see it all the way through.

Some Orlando shit

I've been thinking a lot about culture in Orlando and how it's so easy for me to focus on the negative aspects of the city and what it has to offer instead of getting excited for and shinning light on the culturally aware scene that already exists and is upcoming in our city.  I wanted to share some of the shows, shops and other tid-bits of cool shit happening and passing through our city.  This might be nothing new for most of you but I still believe it's important to showcase what's been going on.  

October 29,2009 

Japanther forged through an intoxicating show that left everyone sweaty and begging for more.  The indoor tree at Stardust took a beating as kids groped at everyone and everything in sight with no control over their limbs as the lo-fi goodness flowed through all of our veins. Shows like the Japanther one a few weeks ago  make up for the shitty, hollow experiences that so many bands have to offer.  Inspiration to slip on my shoes and smack on my gloss to head out to watch yet another band in the hopes of attending that rare show that has the potential to unite the listeners and set them free all at the same time stem from performances like the one Japanther so purely and wholly offered us just a few weeks ago.  Good job, guys.

Please see what I'm rambling about

(this is a work in progress) 

Pus and blood is all I know, my poor body keeps getting knocked down every time I get a leg up.

I'm not sure if this time in my life is the happiest, the saddest or maybe just a time that I'll vaguely remember fondly but other memories will trump.  I miss you and wish you weren't states away.  Youre so happy that you met me, thats why you must leave for the night.  I understand completely.  How close do any of you really feel to anybody?  I crave that closeness, I can't escape this seriousness but I can't seem to take anything seriously lately except for these sinking emotions.  Sometimes I want to make big things happen and other times I want to escape to my house and curl up in a tight, safe ball of body heat and somebody elses life projected onto a screen.  My skin hurts from all this growing and healing, my wounds and my soul are taking on such big tasks lately and my body can barely keep up.  How do you know if youre happy?