This is a letter I just sent out tonight to a friend. I felt it appropriate to post on my blog and share what has been going on in my life. I'm not really certain who reads this but ultimately it serves as a reminder to myself that I have grown is ways that I am comfortable and happy with. That's all.
B, It's been two months since I moved to Austin and about 31/2 months since I made the decision to leave Philadelphia. At best days are unexpected and full of quiet acceptance and on my worst days I experience the pain of giving up parts of myself that I'm no longer OK with. I;ve learned that I am not 30 seperate people with 80 different experiences, I am the same and all emotions, thoughts and actions that happen in my life are a part of me. It's super weird to be writing about what I've learned, all I've been doing is serious self reflection and than tweaking and than going back to the drawing room for another draft. There is not much in me that feels ready to share these thoughts, mostly out of fear of sounding silly, which is silly in itself! My words may not sounds very pretty but in the moment I have released that stress. Figuring out who I am has been a really sudden process filled with a lot of sitting around. Emotions aren't always the most predictable these days, but the logic and self assurance I've gained helps sort through all my emotions in a way I've never been able to. On the outisde, my life may look and seem really boring. I sit with my friends and share conversation, food, music and lots of gardening endeavors. The truth is, the small happenings in a day are always more memorable and enjoyable to recall than I would have ever guessed. The real truth is I am happy. Some days I feel insecure about myself which produces other emotions I don't particularly enjoy, but mostly I feel as if grace has found me, or I have found grace. I have learned to not be afraid of much anymore. I can see that most of my life is comprised of decisions I have made and feel comfortable (for the first time) with those choices. The parts of my life that are out of my control have been a little harder for me to accept, but I am learning there is room for me to make choices within those situations as well. There is true joy in love. The people in my life now have shown me love that holds no grudges and continually gives. Because of their love, your love, I have come to love myself. In love and understanding of myself I can say that my love for others has grown to be honest and real. Pain and joy share equal parts in love. Both are manageable because they exist as one. One last thought on love: Emotion isn't love. Emotion walks by loves side and shares loves journey but emotion is not loves journey. This realization has given my life more depth and exciting(also, weird) pathways which I never knew existed. This makes me happy as a clam. woo! -Elise
