It’s bizarre how, after a whole year of experimenting with new ways to better love a body that is all mine I’ve become so confused and detached with the being I’ve been trying to connect to. As I was riding my bicycle today I looked down at my legs and couldn’t remember their familiarity but instead became repulsed with what I saw: a strangers calves straining under the push and pull of my bike, thighs that barely looked like something I would call my own and ankles jutting out from a pair of already imprinted shoes.
Years ago I spent all my time devoted to understanding the inner workings of my body to help create an appealing aesthetic for myself and others to marvel at. I would do leg presses and squats too many times a day while guzzling down muscle milk for breakfast and diet pills for dinner trying to achieve an outcome that would hopefully inspire oneness from the inside out. This ended up being a failure and equated to me never being satisfied with the results my body was able to give. This disease that infected me, a “need” for beauty and acceptance based on my appearance began to wear at me. I’ve spent this year trying to love my body for all the beautiful things it cant help but do. I havent dieted , I havent shaved the hair that so eagerly sprouts out of my pours and I havent tried as hard as some to hide the odors it emits.
This has lead me to, still, an extreme disconnection with the parts that are my own. A straight up unfamiliarity that’s disturbing. I began to consider the possibility of loving my body for its capabilities instead of what is seen from the outside. My body is capable of writing letters to people I love, propelling forward to arrive at a destination, swining my hips to the beat of the sounds my ears can hear, smelling and tasting and chopping a meal for myself and friends but really and mostly just love. One day when my senses start to fail and my bones lose all desire to carry or chop one more thing I will have the memory of my bodies once beautiful capability that lives on through myself and others minds, love love love.
Maybe everyday I can remember to love my body for its capabilities and eventually love the flesh that covers my arteries.
No comments:
Post a Comment